a humble poll

As ETBA (estimated time till baby's arrival) approaches zero, P. and are having to make lots of new, important decisions. They're decisions we unfortunately have to make without all of the information we'd like (this sounds familiar-- it was the same deal with deciding where to take jobs). The biggest one concerns where exactly we should have the baby. We can either have the baby here and then move, or move and then have the baby. But I'm oversimplifying even this. We're not even sure yet whether we'll be able to extend our lease-- if we can't, we have to be out of here no later than June 30. The other variable, of course, involves when exactly the baby will make his arrival. Will he be early or late? On time? It matters.

I've been trying to ask every mother I know to weigh in on this, and I'm getting conflicting advice. Some say that it's definitely better to have baby here if possible and then move. In that case, I won't have to worry about finding a new OB in a new city, and I'll be able to avoid a drive half-way across the country during which we'll have to stop every hour for me to stretch my legs and/or use the bathroom. This camp claims that newborns are very easy to travel with-- that the baby will sleep most of the time, anyway, and that moving 2 weeks after the birth is perfectly do-able. Besides, it's much cheaper to pay another month's rent here than in New City.

A friend in the other camp claims very forcefully that it's better to move as soon as I turn in my final grades, regardless of the expense it takes to do so; that it's infinitely better to travel pregnant with stops every hour than to try moving after the baby's born. Not only might the car trip be more stressful, but it will be very difficult to get settled in with a baby someone's got to hold onto and without a LOT of help on the other end.

So what do you think? Which is the lesser evil?

I'm kinda consumed with work these days, and probably should be grading, even now. I hate how I've neglected this blog, but when I get this way, when I've worked myself into this big blob of stress, I really just don't like who I am or how I write.

The changes coming in these next few months excite me, but also make me verrrry anxious. Sometimes I feel that the way things have worked out is a good thing-- that the situation will force me to try out a nonacademic job which I have sometimes dreamed about. And yet I worry I just don't have the personality to go out and get such a job. I've only ever been in school-- how do I sell myself as something else? I also worry that finding non-academic work means less time with the baby. And then there's also that fear that I'm just not good enough at anything to get a job I might actually like doing/find meaningful.

See? You don't want to read this.

help

Dear friends of the blogosphere,
It's been a stressful past few weeks. P. and I both got job offers in desirable places, but they were too far apart from each other to make it work. It came down to making a choice between his offer (which might give me part time, adjunct work) and mine (which would have given him a visiting full time instructor job). P. did extremely well on the market this year-- four offers and many more campus visit requests (several of which he turned down), but was worried that taking a ntt position right out of grad school would hurt his chances on the market next year. Emotionally he had a hard time turning down the jobs he did. I was/am also a bit freaked out since leaving a t-t job and giving up another, better t-t offer for low paid adjunct work seems very risky, especially if it's true that only 40% of English phds find academic jobs in the first place, and also because historically I haven't done as well on the market as P.

At any rate, seeing P. so sad and worried really got to me. He was convinced, and convinced me, too, for a while, that even if we went to my offer and both went on the market again next year we'd end up having the same problem. Since his offer was in a better location for finding jobs outside of academe (because we really want to stay together- no long distance commuter marriage for us), we figured maybe in the long run it was smarter to go there. He was feeling guilty. I was the one who even talked him into it; I'd toyed with the idea of exploring jobs outside academe anyway; if we moved to Big City, I could finally try my luck. Plus, with the baby coming, it might be nice not to have to start a new tt job only four weeks or so after the kid is born. Sure, our finances would be a bit tighter for the year, but eventually I might find something, and I could apply for both academic and nonacademic jobs until then, right?

The night we made the decision and I turned down my offer (an offer so generous I really don't think I'll ever get another one like it), I felt strangely calm, even like celebrating. It was so good to have the decision made and behind us. I felt like at last we could move forward; I was resolved.

But now, I'm just sad. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up teaching, and I'm worried I won't be able to get back into tenure-track work. I'm hoping I can use the extra time off to work on publishing a bit more; maybe that will help, but still. I'm scared. And I'm not sure sure HOW to break into other kinds of work, either. The only experience I have is what I've gotten from the academy. The job I have now is the first real job I ever took. I went straight from undergrad to grad school to here, no stops in between.

It's hard talking to P. about this because I don't want to make him feel guilty. I honestly want him to be excited about his job and future. It's just, with my current school now making plans to hire a new person, I'm feeling kinda sad. I need to make plans, figure out what to do with myself, and soon. I've read about non-academic jobs I might have interest in, and they all require writing samples-- preferably free lance work. But how do I get free lance work? (This is an honest question-- if anyone can help, please tell me!)

I know I'll feel better about this decision once we're in Big City and the baby is here, but for now I'm feeling very lost and futureless.

bedtime poems

I haven't written in ages. Though there's been plenty of wonderous things to write about, I've been so busy (and still icky feeling, unfortunately), that I just haven't been able to get my head in the right place to write.

We had our sonogram, finally. It was amazing and strange, and the first time I really became aware that this little person that's growing inside of me is really something other, something that's not me. We could see little fingers, little hands moving to touch his own face. I can't help but think that this creature is learning, already. How strange it was to have a peek into this other world, one I imagine as warm and silent, though I'm told he can hear us now, may even be able to see light shining through my belly.

We've learned that he's a he, and that makes the personhood and otherness of this baby seem even more real. Those details somehow create more, not less mystery around the whole thing for me. I can't wait for us to meet.

Today I rediscovered another poem from my childhood, in this book that P. bought for the baby. It's a wonderful book-- comes with a CD which has lots of poets reading poems. I love the selection of poems there, and how much emphasis seems to be put on the pleasure of the sounds of the words. Anyway, since I know others have begun posting poems weekly, I'd just post this. It was one of my favoirte poems as a kid. I learned all of the words by heart. I found it romantic, somehow. I guess I still do.

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod
Eugene Field

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe---
Sailed on a river of crystal light,
Into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going, and what do you wish?"
The old moon asked the three.
"We have come to fish for the herring fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we!"
Said Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.

The old moon laughed and sang a song,
As they rocked in the wooden shoe,
And the wind that sped them all night long
Ruffled the waves of dew.
The little stars were the herring fish
That lived in that beautiful sea---
"Now cast your nets wherever you wish---
Never afeard are we";
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.

All night long their nets they threw
To the stars in the twinkling foam---
Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,
Bringing the fishermen home;
'T was all so pretty a sail it seemed
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought 't was a dream they 'd dreamed
Of sailing that beautiful sea---
But I shall name you the fishermen three:
Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.

Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
Is a wee one's trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
As you rock in the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.

15 weeks!

Can I just say how excited I am to be more than a third of the way through this? We're having the sonogram and will attempt to locate boy/girl parts at the end of the month. I'm still feeling sick. My doctor prescribed some medication, finally, which wound up averaging (I kid you not) $40 per pill. It works well (for 24 hours, even, the first time I tried it), but since I was only given 6, and we can't afford the refills, I'm trying to save them up for this campus visit (early next week!).

Also, I'm wondering, if this academic job thing doesn't work out, might I have any chance of becoming one of these?

my parents... again

So I'd been feeling terribly guilty about how grouchy I've found myself feeling during all these phone conversations with my mom. She calls a few times a week, and is always full of questions. I've found myself answering them in short sentences, wanting not to engage, wanting to keep my pregnancy and the rest of what's happening to me mostly to myself.

Now I'm starting to realize that I have good reason for feeling this way.

So, I mentioned this campus interviewI have coming up. It's at a school a really like, and in a part of the country I'd love to live in. If P. weren't to get a job somewhere else (I won't be surprised if he gets several offers), it would be a good place to bring him too, as there are large cities (= more jobs) close enough by. So I've been trying to pull together material for my research and teaching presentations. I was excited about the possibilities there.

But then, my parents called. My mom talked first, asked me if I was still going (???), asked if I'd found out more information about what the visit will entail. I told her a few more details, and she wondered aloud if it was "worth all that trouble." "Are you really suggesting I call and just tell them I'm not coming?" I asked her. No, it wasn't that, she said, but then she asked "what if they want you to commit right away?" and she asked about P. I told her that neither of us has an offer in hand yet, and this place is actually a really good opportunity. She reminded me that "you're married, and you two have to go together," and then suggested that really I just need to be waiting for P. to get a job because that school could probably come up with something for me, anyway. No, mom, actually spousal hires aren't that easy to come by-- we can't rule out anything yet--

she hands the phone to my dad. He mentions the high cost of living in the area where this school is, told me I better make sure to ask about insurance and benefits, etc., and then also brought up P. "Your job's really secondary at this point," he said.

What the fuck is wrong with them?!?!? P. and I have talked about the two-job situation extensively, and he's never been anything less than supportive about my career. We're already planning to do everything we possibly can to end up in the same place, but we recognize that doesn't always happen. We recognize we'll have difficult decisions to make later on, but we'll try to go where there are the best options for all three of us. I hate my parents' butting in on this (though they assured me in precisely those words that that's not what they were doing). It makes me angry and it hurts my feelings for them to tell me that my career is "secondary." This is a competetive school-- I had to beat out a lot of people to get as far as I have. It hurts not to have gotten a "congratulations" or even a "good luck" from them.

All my life I've had issues with trying to please my parents. I got a ph.D, I got a job my first year on the market, and they were proud. But now that P.'s degree is finished (and probably becasue I'm pregnant, too), that's all over. Now they find it necessary to talk to me about what my new and "secondary" role should be.

update

one more rejection, but also a campus visit request. I have a one in three chance, and it's at one of my favorites of the places I interviewed with at MLA. Yikes. trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I'm feeling far more motivated now than I was.

where do i belong?

First post-mla rejection came today. There will be more.

I dream of getting out of this line of work, but where can I go? I'm not even sure how to begin, where to look for something new.

two hearts

another day at the OB. The whole appointment took maybe 10 minutes, but we heard the baby's heartbeat today! On the way home, I remarked to P. on the strangeness of my having two hearts inside of me, and he informed me that that topologically, that's not really the case. Sure it is! Baby's heart is beating about 170 beats per minute. Excitable little thing. In four weeks, we have the sonogram. The nurse claims they'll only do one unless it's medically necessary to do more, so if we can't tell the sex of the baby next time, we might just have to be surprised. I'm feeling very grumpy about this nurse. This is the same nurse, who, when I called pre-MLA interviews to ask about the possibility of nausea medication, refused me, when the doctor today offered to give me something without my even having to ask. grrrr.

I'm still puking and feeling nauseous almost all of the time which has made me a bit grumpy and unpleasant. I hope this passes soon. I've also gotten into this terrible habit of imagining what the dishes I eat might look like thrown up. I have more knowledge on this subject now than I ever wanted to have.

The interviews went okay, I guess, but I hestitate to get too excited about anything. I am getting more and more anxious about our soon-to-be three body problem, though. So far, none of P.'s conference interviews match up even with states I've interviewed in.

I sound grumpy to myself even here. Don't mean to. I am excited about the pregnancy, and have plenty to be happy about, and things are good with P. But this ugly sensation makes it hard to think about much else.

Hope to see you all on the other side of this soon.

st. p.

p. has been taking care of me, these past several days. i'm still pukey and nauseous, and can't even bear to walk through the kitchen. so p. has been cooking and cleaning and bringing toast to bed. eating has always been one of our favorite things to do together, but food has lost all it's pleasure for me, and so p. has also been subjecting himself to boring things like bagels when he might otherwise be having mexican or thai or at least something not in the bread group. we cancelled our latin american christmas plans because of me. i feel terrible. yet he is saintly and cheerful and begrudges me nothing.

called the doctor's office the other day, mentioned i had job interviews coming up, asked if there was anything at all they'd be willing to do to help me with the nauea. they refused, on account of the fact that i am keeping some food and liquid down, and suggested i try any of the overthecounter stuff listed on a pink sheet they'd given me earlier, or having toast in bed, or ginger tea, or all the other things i've already been trying which haven't worked. so p. took me to walgreens, where i talked to a fatherly pharmacist who recommended-- "you're going to laugh," he said-- cola syrup instead. 2 tsp. over crushed ice, as needed. surprisingly, it does help a little, but only for a while.

i have seven interviews over the course of 2 days next week. really hoping i'll make it through without puking on someone's shoes.

aplogies... er, apologies

I've had a hard time writing here lately, and have grown tired of my own whiny postings. Apologies to whoever's been reading them. I know that these sick feelings will pass eventually, and I just need to focus on doing the best I can to get through the end of semester, parents' visit, the holidays, in-between-holiday MLA interviews, and preparations for next semester's classes.

I have 6 (interviews) so far, which is more than I've gotten in any other year. Now I just need to prepare for them. I'm naturally a bit of a shy person, and interviews can sometimes be a challenge for me. I need to be able to relax, have some confidence, and just talk about what I do and what I love. It's that engagement that really needs to come across, I think. Wish I could borrow a bit of P.'s charm to take with me, though.

Every time a call comes in (P. has received 3 interview requests for this big math conference in January), we start dreaming about what it would be like to live in New York, in Connecticut, in Pennsylvania, Minnesota, and other places. Finding jobs near each other will be a challenge, but when we're not stressing out about that, it's pretty fun to dream.

mortified

The nausea, unbelievably, is worse this morning than it's ever been. I have been trying to nibble on saltines and sip gingerale in the hopes that my stomach will settle down before I teach. And yet this image of me upchucking midsentence in front of the entire class keeps passing through my head. How mortifying would that be? Extremely.

return

Thanksgiving holiday at my brother's house, and with no parental supervision for the first time in many years. Somehow when my parents are around too, I never really get to connect with my brother. Conversation tends to be propelled by my parents, mostly my father, and I somehow get lost in the fray. When I left home for college, I missed my brother most of all. Some of the best memories I have of growing up involve these talks we used to have in his room in the afternoons before mom and dad got home. I'd sit on his floor, and we'd talk about all sorts of things. Often we'd talk about the parents and our frustrations at living in such a constricting environment, but we'd talk about relationships, too, and dreams for the future. However happy I am to be out of my parents' house, I still miss those days.

It was a foursome at my brother's house-- my husband and his wife along with the two of us, but there was a late night when we all sat up talking until we were about to fall asleep right there. My niece is a year an a half now, and adorable. She loves my brother. He'll enter a room, and she'll call out for him, even run to him on her short and wobbly legs. He's so gentle with her, and funny. And looking back on it now, I even catch a glimpse of my own father there.

Morning sickness reared its ugly head while I was visiting... and it hasn't gone away sense. I'd only had mild queasiness in the weeks before, but now it feels like something's squeezing some round ball inside me just below and between my ribs. This discomfort has also made me a bit anxious and even irritable, and now it seems I'm alienated P. This is the down side to pregnancy. I wish I could relax a little, that something could take the edge off of me, make it easier to go to work, to be around, to just be.

now things get complicated

email from birthmother today, wanting to know what my feelings are on her being a grandmother to the baby. She wants to be involved, but doesn't want to presume, since she was never really a mother to me growing up. That's nice on her part, I guess, but it feels pushy this early on, and really I wish she hadn't brought it up. It is uncomfortable to think about, I don't feel like thinking about it right now, and I probably won't feel like thinking about it for a while. Argh. My parents don't even know I'm still in contact with B., or at least they pretend not to know. We haven't talked about that in years, and probably won't, ever again. It would be terrible for my child to mention "grandma B." around my parents, and I don't really feel comfortable drawing her or him into my web of deceit. Of course this entire thread is too early-- I'm not even out of the first trimester yet. Maybe I opened my big mouth too soon? I'm not even sure what my options are. I try so hard to make everyone happy, and in this situation, (as in all circumstances involving my b-family), that's impossible. Clearly my parents' feelings have to take precedence over B.'s, here, but I have a lot more to figure out that I want. I'll probably end up ignoring the email for a few days and worrying B., but I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I could tell her it's still early, that I'll need some time to figure things out, I guess, but it's just easier to pretend it never came up.

I feel guilty already, because I know that unless I keep keeping secrets, someone's not going to be happy with the way things turn out.

Somehow I thought that by having a biological child of my own, I could avoid him or her growing up with issues like these. I'm starting to realize it's not quite that simple.

out

Last night I came home to find P., adorably, reading this in the kitchen and trying to make a fruit salad with yogurt (recipe in the book). He read some pages aloud to me. Unlike some of the other books for expecting dads (some of which struck me as extremely misogynistic!) which we saw while browsing the bookstore the other day, this one is senstive. P. is cooking. P. brings flowers home. P. tries to give helpful advice on what I should be eating. P. pours glasses of milk. P. brings me breakfast while I'm still in my pjs. I could get used to this.

Anyway, last night, it was just too much. We called our parents. His cried with joy. Mine were somewhat more controlled, but I could tell my mother was really excited. She called me back twice after we'd first talked. Everyone's excited. I can't wait.

still +

I can't believe this is really happening. I'm having a hard time concentrating. Why do I have to work today? P. and I have been trying to keep things a bit quiet until we know a little more (until I've been to the doctor), but I'm terrible with secrets-- especially my own.

I hope everything goes okay with us. There's so much I don't know.

I'm nervous/reluctant to tell my parents... for a while, at least. I'm not sure I can quite make sense of it.... but when P. and I called home to tell them that we were engaged, their reaction was less than enthusiastic-- they hoped it would be a long engagement, it was no shame to not get married if we decided that wasn't the best decision, cultural differences, cultural differences. Some months ago, when talking about another relative who'd gotten pregant again with her second child, my father said something about how there's no shame in not having kids, that it's not for everyone... not quite sure how I'm supposed to take a remark like that. The best thing to do, I guess, to read generously. And by "read generously," I mean, not read too much into it.

if I don't tell someone, I'm afraid I just might explode. So slowly, the secret is eeking out.

(sigh) back to work.

update

3 out of 3 varying shades of pink and blue lines seem to agree: the pink lines at Planned Parenthood were very, very faint, but the person who saw me read them as a positive. She said that many positive tests look that way--- very faint, sometimes so faint you almost have to squint to see the line. I guess she would know, right? She estimates I'm 5.5 weeks. Somehow I still feel very hestitant about this, though-- unconvinced, even. I want a darker line, darnit. So I'll test myself again tomorrow or the next day, and then must hie me to a doctor to find out if this can really be happening. Cross your fingers for me? I'll feel very silly if this all turn out to be wrong.

yowza. so much happening all at once.

faded blue lines

so it's a bit too soon to tell, but i just might have some big news. we're visiting planned parenthood later this morning to follow this up. could it be? i'm having a hard time thinking about much else.

it happened again

yesterday. up at 7, to work by 8, worked until class, taught, met with 4 students over the course of the afternoon, worked until 8:30 at the office, when P. picked me up, had dinner, worked somemore and graded a stack of midterms. went to bed at 1am, got up at 7, am scrambling to finish prep for the 3 courses i teach today. this is crazy.

the nose knows

I forgot to mention running into the federal building where we had the immigration interview. Literally. It was one of those revolving glass doors. Seems I went past the opening where you exit the revolving door and enter the building... instead I went a few steps further, then tried walking through the glass that was just past the entrance. I hit it hard. In the nose. It really confused me, and so then I was putting my hands out in front of me trying to sort out where the glass ended, until finally the door went around again, and I made it inside. It doesn't seem I hurt it seriously because there wasn't any bleeding, but there were tears and embarrassment, and my nose still hurts. It hurts when P. kisses me, and it hurts when my glasses slide down just a little, and it just hurts in general.

ouch.