Thursday, May 12, 2005

double life

My parents come to visit this weekend. I'm anxious. I have lived a double life with them for so long that it's hard not to turn into a different person when they're around. When they speak (especially dad) I find my thoughts wandering elsewhere. When I speak, it is stilloften with some crazed and juvenile desire to make them proud of me. There's not always much space for my speaking (because my folks are both talkers) and I'm thankful for that sometimes, because it takes some pressure off. And at the same time I wish it were possible to have an honest conversation with them, for them to know and like the person I am when they're not around. Of course the visits are a trial for P., too, who'se been pulled unwittingly into this double life with me.

I really should chill out a bit. There are masks I wear at school, and around strangers, and in uncomfortable circumstances. But they're starting to crack a bit. Will I be found out?

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