Wednesday, September 21, 2005

stupid spammers

Is there a way to delete those pesky comments? Can anyone tell me how?

drowning

so much anxiety this past week. i can't calm down. i am teaching and going to meetings and preparing for classes and trying to write annual reports and job letters and to finish finally this article... I feel like I'm rushing around even when I'm sitting still.

sometimes I really think I'm just not cut out for this job.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

surely it's got to get easier... soon would be nice. even though i read ahead this weekend, i still feel behind, and i'm still tired. it's only tuesday. this job is sucking my soul away.

Monday, September 12, 2005

young at heart

I have wayyyyyyy too many papers to grade to be writing in my blog, but today's had me thinking about how much my being in this job seems to keep me still feeling like a college student. My little sister started college this year-- when I hear about what she's experiencing, that sense of excitement and wonder of my own freshman year comes flooding back into me...

I fantasize sometimes about being in college again, about which of my students I'd hang out with. I hear them talk about late nights spent doing and not doing homework, grabbing sandwiches and conversation at 1 a.m., and I feel nostalgic. Envious, even. Oh, to be a student! with so many possibilities still stretched out in front of me... all around me.

I was in an elevator sometime last week with a student I didn't know. She smiled at me and asked me what class I was going to. Clearly she thought I was a student, too. I didn't try correcting her. Sometimes it bugs me when I have to keep explaining (especially to other faculty or staff people) that I'm actually a professor.... but this time, it made my day.

insomnia

It's three-freaking-forty-seven in the morning. I've been trying to sleep for ages, and finally got so frustrated being in bed and having nothing happen, that I've come here at last.

These past few weeks, since school started, since New Orleans, since everything, I've had so many thoughts swirling through my head at one time that it's been nearly impossible to sit down and focus enough to write. I'm constantly writing down reminders on my hands, then promptly forgetting them, switch from thinking about class to other class to other class to other class as if my brain is some kind of tv screen which someone else is controlling by remote.

All this leads me to conclude a few things. 1. I really need to lay off the caffeine again. It doesn't matter how tired I find myself tomorrow, if I want to be able to sleep, it's a terrible, terrible idea. 2. I need to commit to getting some sort of exercise that can let me release some of this stressful build-up. Stop worrying about the possibility of seeing students at the gym. 3. I could try those sleeping pills, maybe?

I can feel the stress-- in my shoulders, in my neck, in my stomach. Soooo frustrating.

My classes are okay-- good, even, but I'm finding myself having so much anxiety about performing for students that I can't relax until class is/classes are over for the day. Or the week. I tried falling asleep tonight scrambling to think about the single 50 minute class I teach tomorrow. So far, I've prepared at least 2 hours for that said class. More than that, if you count the grading. And the ridiculous thing is that I'll probably spend at least 2-3 hours more in the morning preparing for it. Seriously-- who spends 5 hours (or more!) preparing for a 50 minute class? I'm ridiculous.

My freshmen know terribly little about what's going on in the world. Last semester, they didn't know Abu Ghraib. This semester, they're utterly clueless about the hurricane. The sad part of it is, most of them don't seem to mind not knowing. One girl last week said "I don't watch the news," in a tone that made it sound like that's a good thing. What?? I want to do something about this. I'm seriously thinking about devoting at least part of one day a week talking about the news (and requiring them to read about it). I can do this. It's comp. class, after all. I can make them write about it.

I'm so tired.

And so sorry.

I'm not feeling much like myself-- or at least, not like the calm and relaxed and thoughtful self I have been some few times in my life. I miss her.