There are probably Kubler-Ross -like stages for dealing with news like this. I think I got the shock and (misdirected?) anger all at once. Now I'm blaming myself. I'm still not so happy with how the doctor presented this to P. and me the other day, but since we've been talking and reading more about clubfeet and possible treatments, we feel better able to assert ourselves at our next appointment and to ask the questions we need to.
Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. We attended our first childbirth class at the hospital. We had a tour of the labor and delivery rooms, nursery, etc., and got a lot of information from the nurse leading the class. I had no idea one needed to have a pediatrician already lined up before the birth! The nurse suggested interviewing doctors before choosing one. If we really are dealing with a birth defect, that's going to be terribly important. As nervous as I might sound now, the class itself was a bright spot in the day. I was excited about going, and I'm excited thinking about our little guy arriving. I think these classes (every week for six weeks) will make the time go by faster. We start separate Lamaze classes next week, too.
Here are the lows. First, I got the idea in my head that if the baby has a problem with his foot, it's my fault. Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid; maybe I shouldn't have had caffeine those times I've had it while pregnant. Maybe I squashed the kid accidently or did something else wrong. It's torture.
The other complication is this: while I'd been trying to deal with the situation by telling myself that we just don't even know if there's a problem or not yet, P. has been preparing himself for the worst. He handles all sorts of stresses like this, figuring that if he can resign himself to bad things happening, he's better able to deal with whatever comes. But his communicating these feelings of foreboding to me ("I'm pretty sure the baby has problems," he says) has made me jumpy and sometimes even panicked. I get easily overwhelmed thinking about this too much, especially now that I've started thinking I may be responsible for the problem. The "if this is the case, we'll do that" approach feels much safer to me. But P. works differently, and so we clash. Last night after getting in bed, P. started looking up yet more information about club foot on the internet, and it just got to be too much. I tried to explain the panic it was causing in me and wound up causing more tension between the two of us than I ever wanted. I guess I need to get a better grip on things, somehow.
Better news? Only a few days left of this crazy semester. Maybe I'll calm down a bit once my grades are in.
5 comments:
Oh, zipzap, I'm sorry you guys are going through this period of uncertainty and worry. It's only natural, I think, that differences in coping strategies are creating tension between you and P. Hang in there!
And on the pediatrician front, for what it's worth, I decided to not stress out about it. We got some recommendations from friends; I met with the first doc, liked her and cancelled all the rest of the appointments I'd made. You can always change later on if you don't like the person. I know it'll be more of a challenge for you given your move, but since it can be changed so easily, it might be worth being low-key about it.
I'm sorry to hear about this--I know the anxiety of not knowing exactly what you're dealing with is hard. Your baby is really lucky to have parents who inform themselves, research the best options, and really fight to get the best treatment. You and P. sound like great parents, and you're all three going to do just fine.
I'm sorry to hear this. I wish I could help take away your feeling that you might have done something to cause the clubfoot. It certainly doesn't seem as though there's any evidence that something the mother does or doesn't do during the pregnancy causes it, though.
I imagine this will be much more manageable once you know whether or not he has it. It doesn't look like there's any chance it's your "fault", though.
Please don't worry!! I'm not sure how much research you've done about clubfeet, but the Ponseti method is AMAZING and it can help your baby! My son was born in August with severe bilateral clubfeet, but to look at them (when he's not in his shoes/bar), you'd never know. After 2 short months of casting, one small procedure to cut his AT, and continued night-bar wear, his feet look great. Please check out my website to see the progress his feet have made, and email me if you have any questions about how to get in touch with a ponseti doctor... nikkiming@yahoo.com
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