rescue me, part ii.

because this part of what i want to say is too ugly and inarticulate to put in the same post as a seamus heaney poem.

I had a conversation today that's completely caused me to rethink what it is I'm doing here at ______ college and whether or not I do fit in and/or should stay. Of course the conversation comes after I've already shut the door for another possible job opportunity for next year (at bigger state school in another state).

Even posting about it feels a bit dangerous. Maybe I'll wimp out (wise up?) and delete it, but right now I'm still trying to process things and it feels good to write.

This afternoon I had coffee with Dr. Feminist Outspoken, who is leaving _____ college and moving on to a better (and better paid and better located) job next year. The conversation disturbed me in ways I can't quite make sense of yet...

Except for on small incident which I thought I was blowing out of proportion, I've felt nothing but good things from my department. They are collegial, they are progressive, they are down-to-earth. For the most part, they also seem to not like Dr. Outspoken too much. Okay, that's a huge understatement. Several of them roll their eyes at her in department meetings.

Dr. Outspoken tells me (over coffee in a public place with students and staff and who knows who else milling back and forth) that many if not all of the problems at _______college stem from sexism, that sexism is the reason our deparment has only one other tenured female. She tells me that Dr. Respectable (male) is actually the devil incarnate, that Dr. Other Tenured Female drinks too much and that... many more other things that I'm not supposed to know. Her comments make me rethink a comment made towards me by Dr. Respectable in a recent deparment meeting that somewhat embarrassed me in front of everyone, and they also make me feel a lot less secure about my job and prospects and ___ college than I did before.

Listening to all of this was rather unnerving, especially since, were her remarks overheard by the wrong people, I could be associated with those comments. I know I should take those comments with salt, too, but they did give me what I'm sure is a valuable glance at the dark underside of our department and college culture in general.

I imagine this is normal for most new profs, but ever since I arrived at ___ college, I've known that there's plenty about what goes on and what has gone on here that I don't know. I can sense certain rivalries between a few faculty folk, I've known the college has had some troubles in the past, but everybody does seem to put on a good show for the new folk. They don't talk about the bad times. You might see this as optimism, as commitment to move forward, but the not-talking about distasteful things also doesn't quite feel so good.

I've been curious, and now I know far more than I should. But balancing these comments against what I'm getting elsewhere... ? whew. It's all too confusing right now.

I'm sure I can't be making much sense, but hope/imagine the scenario might be familiar to someone out there. I'm not sure what else to write. I can't even formulate an intelligent question to ask. All I can say is... Wow.