Sunday, November 13, 2005

now things get complicated

email from birthmother today, wanting to know what my feelings are on her being a grandmother to the baby. She wants to be involved, but doesn't want to presume, since she was never really a mother to me growing up. That's nice on her part, I guess, but it feels pushy this early on, and really I wish she hadn't brought it up. It is uncomfortable to think about, I don't feel like thinking about it right now, and I probably won't feel like thinking about it for a while. Argh. My parents don't even know I'm still in contact with B., or at least they pretend not to know. We haven't talked about that in years, and probably won't, ever again. It would be terrible for my child to mention "grandma B." around my parents, and I don't really feel comfortable drawing her or him into my web of deceit. Of course this entire thread is too early-- I'm not even out of the first trimester yet. Maybe I opened my big mouth too soon? I'm not even sure what my options are. I try so hard to make everyone happy, and in this situation, (as in all circumstances involving my b-family), that's impossible. Clearly my parents' feelings have to take precedence over B.'s, here, but I have a lot more to figure out that I want. I'll probably end up ignoring the email for a few days and worrying B., but I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I could tell her it's still early, that I'll need some time to figure things out, I guess, but it's just easier to pretend it never came up.

I feel guilty already, because I know that unless I keep keeping secrets, someone's not going to be happy with the way things turn out.

Somehow I thought that by having a biological child of my own, I could avoid him or her growing up with issues like these. I'm starting to realize it's not quite that simple.

11 comments:

Blonde said...

How long have you been in contact with your birthmother? I find myself wondering if you just wanted to know who she was and then found yourself in more of a relationship than you wanted to be in.

zipzap said...

Blonde,
We've been in touch for 6 or 7 years. I have relationships with her other daughters and her parents. I've written about it before
here.

In an ideal world, everyone could get along and I could have a relationship with anyone I chose without hurting anyone else. It's not that simple. You don't know me, or the half of it.

bitchphd said...

1. Congratulations!

2. Yes, having kids forces one to deal with / clarify certain family issues. In the long run, I think it's a good thing, but it can be hard to figure out. My method was to think long and hard about what *my* bottom line and boundaries were, and then go with that, and use my kindness skills not to make other people happy but to help them to adjust.

peripateticpolarbear said...

Sorry it's complex, but big, big congratulations to you!

Lisa V said...

My daughter's birthmother is adopted. She found her own birthmother about 10 years ago. They have a complicated relationship. I know the addition of grandkids have made it even more complicated.

I think in the end you have to be true and honorable to your feelings. You need to be considerate of your birthfamily and your family, but in the end you really need to take priority.

Your idea about sending an email and telling her it's still early and you need some time to think is great. I should get run-on sentence awards.

Congratulations on this wonderful time, enjoy it. It really is wonderful news.

Scrivener said...

Good advice, from Dr. B especially, I think.

jo(e) said...

I think you should take as much time as you want to think about this. You may even want to wait until after the baby is born and you are comfortable in your role as a parent. No need to hurry. I think it is entirely appropriate to say, "I need time to think about this and sort through my own feelings and needs."

YelloCello said...

Seconding what others have said on taking your time on this.

And congrats! That's wonderful news.

Yankee T said...

Late to the party, but yeah...take your time. I'll be interested to hear as things unfold. The adoption triangle can be very, very complicated, can't it?

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