Thirty. That's the number of paper I have to grade so far, more or less. I'll get between 16 and 20 more this afternoon. I could be grading now. I should start, but somehow I just can't do it. I've been craving a nap since I got up this morning, even more so since I got done teaching my first class at 11. I have two more to get through today. My prep is finished, but I'm still sooo sleepy the last thing I can do is concentrate on grading. I should bring an alarm clock to work. And a mat. And a pillow. I could sleep right here if I weren't afraid I wouldn't wake up for class.
I don't know if it has something to do with the weather, or the recent death in my family, or my students, or what, but I've been so down these past few days. The smallest items on my to-do list feel overwhelming. I'm obsessively writing the same reminders in ink on my hands day after day. I see them several times, daily, but t the end of the day and after a number of handwashings they've started to fade away and I still haven't gotten them done. How hard can it possibly be to address an envelope and mail my completed and bound dissertation to my director? It's ridiculous. I'm in a rut.
I woke up this morning already stressed about my morning class and what to do in it. Days like this make me question whether I'm cut out for this kind of work. I'm sure (I hope!) that as I get some more experience under my belt, and especially as I can start re-using lesson plans from classes I've taught before, that anxiety will lessen. Right now, I'm almost constantly abuzz. I came home last Friday after classes were over and it was hours before I could calm down again. I am feeling stressed and fight-or-flight-y even when the stressful stimuli (teaching) have been removed.... and that's exhausting.
dear reader(s), please forgive the self-indulgent whininess of this post. I've really got to work on this.
Off to teach two more classes.
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2 comments:
Sometimes those tiny tasks overwhelm me. Today I couldn't go on when the 3-hole punch just would not do the work.
Mailing the diss is probably harder than it looks.
It's the time of year, I think. Things will get better as we move toward spring.
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